A Typical TV Ad Family
Another Look:
A Typical TV Ad Family
by Robert Yoakum
Have you been curious about the lives of those families you see on television? I don’t mean the families in situation comedies, but the folks you see in commercials.
Here, in anticipation of a new TV ad season, is an interview with one of last season’s families:
“How does it feel,” I asked Mr. William Random, “to be the father in a typical TV ad family?”
“Well,” Mr. Random replied, jumping into the air and snapping his fingers, “I smell clean!”
“You what?!”
“I smell clean! With Lifebuoy I’m not just clean. I smell clean!”
“He’s gone bananas,” interrupted Mrs. Random, smiling. “He’s shower-happy.”
“Oh, by the way,” Mr. Random said, “this is my wife, and she’s quite a woman. We’ve been married for a lot of years now, and she looks better to me all the time.”
Mrs. Random smiled affectionately at her husband and said, “That’s because I do the right things and take good care of myself. I try to get my rest, I exercise, and I take a Geritol tablet every day.”
“My wife,” Mr. Random said fondly. “She cares about herself. And I love her for it.”
“So I could say you’re a family without problems, right?”
“Well, not exactly,” Mr. Random said. “When I went bowling yesterday I had nothing but gutter balls. Nagging backache. Ruined my sleep, too.”
“That’s right,” Mrs. Random agreed, “but I told Bill to try my Doan’s pills because they sure help me.”
“Jean also helped me get back in the swing today when I didn’t feel like going shopping with her,” Mr. Random said.
“It’s true,” Mrs. Random said. “When my husband is out of sorts because he needs a laxative, I get one that’s not harsh: flavored Haley’s M-O. It’s the gentle way to get back in the swing.”
“And when I had trouble sleeping last night,” Mr. Random added, “my wife gave me Sominex. It really does make me drowsy so I can get to sleep.”
“I’m confused,” I said. “Earlier you told me it was Doan’s pills that helped you sleep because they fixed your nagging backache.”
“Oh, I took a lot more than that last night!” Mr. Random exclaimed. “Jean also gave me Bayer’s microencapsulated timed-release aspirin because it helps me wake without that morning stiffness.”
“Your wife gave you Doan’s pills and Haley’s M-O and Sominex and Bayer aspirin?!”
“And I love her for it.” Bill said, squeezing his wife’s hand.
“Don’t forget Alka Seltzer Gold, dearest. You said it washed your heartburn away.”
“Right. And I almost forgot Dristan nasal mist. And Bufferin. And Sine-Off. And Excedrin P.M. And Sinutab. And . . . Yaarrch! Waasgh! Bruuop!”
Mr. Random leaped into the air, snapped his fingers; and collapsed.
“I think you’ve overdone it, Mrs. Random!” I exclaimed. “You’d better call a doctor! He needs help fast!”
“Then what he needs is Anacin,” she replied. “While all the leading pain relievers reach an effective level in the bloodstream in minutes, only one of them hits and holds the highest level. And that’s Anacin.”
But it turned out to be curtains for Bill Random. His wife took his demise philosophically, however. “Well,” she said, shrugging, “no more ring around the collar.”